I Can Stop Drinking Whenever I Want

“I can stop drinking whenever I want” was probably the biggest lie I ever told myself. I now recognize that phrase as a self-perpetuating excuse not to stop—an illusion of control over something I clearly wasn’t controlling.

Going on the Wagon

During my drinking years, I would stop or “go on the wagon” for short periods. Sometimes I abstained Monday through Friday, then felt entitled to tie one on Friday night because I had been “good” all week. Of course, the drinking continued through Saturday and sometimes into Sunday as I tapered off for the workweek ahead. On Monday, the cycle began again.

My obsessive behavior wasn’t constant thinking about drinking—that would have pointed to a problem with booze. Instead, my only thought Monday through Friday was the weekend and partying.

But in reality, it was always about drinking.

At other times, I’d stop for two or three months, usually when things became too chaotic. I wanted a fresh start. New Year’s seemed like the perfect time to quit drinking and smoking and start a diet—all through willpower, or so I thought. One year, I made it three full months without a drink. I quit smoking, exercised, went to the gym, ran, and lost weight.

Looking back, I can see the flaw. I still spent time with the same crowd and followed the same routines because that life was familiar.

Three Months Later

I can still picture myself in a bar on a Friday night, sitting on a barstool drinking a Coke.

Then the thought came: I can handle it. It’s just one drink!

I ordered a drink, then a second, then bought a pack of cigarettes. I was off to the races again.

Now I really felt in control. Three months without a drink—surely I had what it took to stop anytime I wanted.

The truth was simpler: I did not want to stop. I missed my crazy old life.

That’s the insanity of going back to the drink.

At first, I didn’t get into trouble, but I quickly fell back into my old habits—drinking, smoking, and gaining weight. I returned to my old haunts. This time, though, it was harder. I tried to fight the weight gain by working out, running, and going to the Y, but drinking made it nearly impossible to maintain any balance.

From time to time, the realization would pop into my head that maybe I should stop drinking again. By then, I knew cutting down didn’t work.

Tomorrow Never Comes

When I drank, my whole life centered around the bars, the music, and the girls. I couldn’t visualize life without drinking.

But that’s the insanity. Things were never that great.

That little lie would pop up again: I can stop anytime I want. Maybe I’d have one more blast and stop tomorrow.

The sad reality is that tomorrow never comes. It’s just an excuse to postpone stopping.

I know that now, but I couldn’t connect the dots back then. I was deceiving myself into believing I was in control and calling the shots.

The truth was, I wasn’t handling life, relationships, finances, health, or my sanity. My life was an absolute lie.

The reality was that I was out of control.

It was never really about whether I could stop drinking whenever I wanted. It was always about drinking without limits.

One Day at a Time

It wasn’t until I came to AA that I heard it shared: if I don’t pick up the first drink today, I can’t get drunk.

That made sense, even to my fuzzy way of thinking when I arrived in AA.

I only had to keep my focus on not picking up a drink today.

What a concept.

In one 24-hour period, there was enough power to change the course of my life. It doesn’t mean it would be easy, but there was real strength in keeping my focus on today.

These days can add up if I commit myself to living the AA program of recovery, working the Twelve Steps, and keeping my focus on the present—this day only.

It works, and it is still working in my life.

I am forever grateful to AA, the simplicity of the 24-hour program, the fellowship, and my Higher Power for freeing me from the self-serving lie that I could stop drinking anytime I wanted.