A Desire to Stop Drinking

When I came to AA, I had more than a desire to stop drinking. I really believed that my life depended on stopping. There were no mandates from lawyers, judges, parents, employers, the demands of a girlfriend, or even an acquaintance. In fact, a few people in my group tried to make me believe that I didn’t have a problem with drinking. That was a lie.

Thank God, the core of my being knew it was time to stop, and that I needed to stay stopped. However, how I would do it would take some time. I decided to check out Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

I Wanted a Do-Over

My first meeting in AA was welcoming and hopeful. I did not feel out of place, even though I was about half the age of many of the others at the time. The messages shared, whether in discussion or on a topic, were things I could identify with. It felt right.

The disease creates a bond of commonality. So, I was just one alcoholic in a sea of others, and that turned out to be a good thing. Though we all came from different backgrounds and walks of life, the goal was the same in AA: to get sober and stay sober.

That was something I wanted more than anything else.

It was what I call a “do-over.” A golfer might call it a mulligan. I liked that idea immensely.

Although I had stopped drinking and was attending meetings, I continued dating and occasionally returned to my favorite bar for a date or live entertainment. On my first visit back, the regulars treated me as a curiosity. They were accustomed to drinkers falling on and off the wagon, so they waited to see what I would do. They respected my choice, but I remained an oddity—the patron who did not drink.

The second time I returned to the bar, they told me to make room at the bar for the paying customers.

That remark hurt and made me feel uncomfortable, but it did not make me want to pick up a drink again. If anything, it showed me that I was beginning to live in a different world.

That second time, however, I met a former girlfriend I had dated, and I got a chance to make amends. This was not a pre-planned event. I had no desire to rekindle a relationship, but I felt a genuine need to admit my wrongs, say I was sorry, and wish her all the best in life.

It was good for both of us, and for that I am very grateful.

I No Longer Belonged There

The third time I returned to the bar, all doubt was gone. It was obvious: I no longer belonged there.

I learned that the regulars had started a pool on when I would fall off the wagon. That was the last time I went back.

The message was clear: these were no longer my people, and my new sober life offered so much more. The illusion that I was missing my old life was smashed forever.

All of this took place during my first six months of recovery, and it was a good lesson to learn.

The desire to stop drinking and stay stopped helped me appreciate this new sober life more than anything else. I wanted nothing to interfere with it.

Relationships, dates, my job, and even family all took a back seat to my own recovery. I made every effort I could to get involved in AA through service—making coffee, being a greeter, taking on positions as group chairman, making 12 Step calls, and even starting new AA meetings.

The truth is, I wanted sobriety.

I needed sobriety, too. But for me, needing it wasn’t enough.

Wanting Recovery for Myself

Over the years in AA, I’ve been able to witness a lot of things. Circumstances or other people can force some people into recovery. They may arrive because of a DUI, a family intervention, a court order, an ultimatum from an employer, or some kind of health scare.

I understand why those things can bring someone through the doors of AA. But from my own experience, I don’t believe anyone could have forced me to stay sober simply because someone else wanted me to.

I’ve seen people come to meetings for a short while just to get the heat off. They may stop drinking temporarily, but they haven’t yet found a personal desire to stay sober for themselves.

That is sad to watch.

Sometimes the solution is right in front of someone, yet they aren’t ready to embrace it. They may resist what AA has to offer because they haven’t reached the point where they want recovery for themselves.

I don’t say that as a judgment; that is what I was like when I was still drinking.

I Could Not Be Force-Fed Recovery

No one could have force-fed recovery into my life.

From my own experience, if I were still drinking, I believe I would have resisted all external pressures to stop drinking. Instead, I might have quit my job, left a relationship, or simply moved on. I would have found a way to protect my drinking and my way of life.

There were many times when I needed to stop drinking, but I didn’t.

I Needed to Stop

At times, I needed to stop physically because drinking had run me down. I could have needed to stop because of what drinking was doing to me mentally or because of the consequences that were beginning to appear in my life.

None of that was enough.

At some point, I had to want recovery more than I wanted to drink. For me, that desire became essential. That was my bottom.

That is the difference I learned from my own experience.

AA’s “How It Works” Sums It Up

AA’s How It Works seems to sum up this idea better than I ever could:

“If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it — then you are ready to take certain steps.”

I needed to stop drinking long before I actually wanted sobriety.

When I finally wanted it for myself, everything changed.