I Came, I Came to, and I Came to Believe
In my own sobriety, I learned that some meetings were more important than others. I say that because of the lessons I heard there—lessons I never forgot and still use today.
In early sobriety, I was going to a lot of AA meetings. I wasn’t drinking, but I also didn’t feel like I was making much progress. I wasn’t thinking about taking a drink, but I was discouraged. Still, I kept showing up.
Most of the meetings I attended back then were step meetings and speaker meetings. My struggles were no longer with alcohol itself; they were about learning how to live life on life’s terms. I was trying to adjust to a completely new way of living, and there were still things inside me holding back my growth.
When I first came to AA, I was an atheist. During my drinking years, I had rejected the idea of God completely. Even after I got sober, I still struggled with the thought of a Higher Power. Finding God in AA was never part of my plan. I only wanted to learn how to stop drinking and stay stopped. Stopping drinking turned out to be the easy part. Staying stopped—and learning how to live sober—was much harder for me.
Living Sober in a Fog
Without alcohol, my mind was still a mess. I felt like I was living in a sober fog that had not yet lifted. Back then, some of the older members in New York City AA had a word for it. They called it “Mocus.” I’ve never really heard the term outside of New York AA, but in slang dictionaries, it means “mostly out of focus.” That described me perfectly.
One Sunday afternoon at a speaker meeting, I heard a fellow AA member share his story. He also happened to be a priest. I honestly don’t remember much of what he said from the podium, but afterward, we sat down over a cup of coffee and talked. I shared where I was emotionally and spiritually. I told him about my confusion over spirituality, religion, God, and where I fit into all of it.
He listened carefully and then asked me, “How long have you been sober?” I told him I only had a few months and had been making meetings every day. He smiled and reassured me that I was doing fine.
Advice that Changed My Life
Then he gave me some advice that changed my life. He told me to keep doing what I was doing: go to meetings, get involved, and, most importantly, don’t give up one day at a time. He also told me to always be honest with myself, keep an open mind, and be willing to change. He said the acronym for that was HOW. He told me never to forget it, because if I lived that way, my life would begin to reveal itself to me.
What impressed me most was that he never tried to force God or religion on me. Instead, he simply met me where I was. That conversation validated AA for me. It helped me better understand the AA Preamble and the principles behind the program. More than anything, it lifted a heavy weight of fear and confusion from my mind.
A Turning Point
Looking back now, I can see that moment was an important turning point in my recovery. It gave real meaning to the phrase, “I came, I came to, and I came to believe.”
Today, I remain deeply grateful to AA, to a loving God, and for the patience shown to me as a slow learner. I am grateful for recovery and for the fellowship that continues to guide me in ways greater than my own understanding.